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Instead of Praise: A List of Ideas for Acknowledgements and Specific, Detailed Descriptions

Donna Bryant Goertz, Austin Montessori School Founder and Director Emeritus
THE NATURE OF THE CHILD 
We recognize that from conception our children are driven from within to self-develop and self-educate. Our role is to provide the environment and the relationship within which they can do so. We take care not to interfere with their intrinsic motivation. We avoid replacing their own inner satisfaction and their own pleasure in accomplishments with the lure of external motivations and adult praise. We support our children to continue to honor their own internal motives and set their own personal standards high.  

OUR ROLE 
Our goal is to join our children in their own pleasure, satisfaction, and sense of accomplishment when they invite us to do so, not to seduce them with our praise. We respect their concentration and go to great lengths not to interrupt it, even with acknowledgments or descriptions. We aim to carefully observe and notice our children and their work while we wait for them to emerge from concentration and to ask for our feedback. When we give feedback, we do so in the form of acknowledgments and detailed descriptions of what we see, feel, and think.  
We avoid praise and sweeping generalized evaluations in order not to lure our children away from their authentic nature and hook them on the external rewards of our praise.  We are careful not to devalue our children’s inner lives by substituting our praise for their own self-praise.  

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS AND DETAILED, DESCRIPTIONS 
Children perceive descriptive statements such as those attached to this paper as more sincerely offered, more authentically encouraging, more genuinely merited, and more practically helpful than our usual quick, grand, clichéd expressions of praise. 

NO QUICK, GENERAL, CLICHED, AND GRAND PRAISE 
Instead of tossing off quick and general comments such as “you’re so beautiful, smart,  kind, good, pretty, cute, outgoing, nice, or sweet,” we can use sincere, specific,  descriptive acknowledgments such as those that follow. Instead of “rote and clichéd  comments such as “it’s so pretty, cool, wonderful, great, awesome, terrific, super,” we 
can take a longer look, give more thought, and describe genuinely what we see, think, and feel.  

A RELATIONSHIP OF AUTHENTICITY AND TRUST 
Over the years of acknowledging and describing in detail instead of praising, we are building a deep relationship of trust and sincerity with our children, a relationship upon which they can rely for accurate and authentic information when they need it. Our acknowledgments and detailed descriptions will help our children remain centered and true to their own nature of inner motivation and drive. Through these, we offer a model for our children in their own self-evaluation that will go a long way in keeping them safe from the lure of the false praise of the crowd and the evaluation of pop culture. Our children will have a deep sense of who they are. They will be less likely to crave the constant approval of their friends and to fall prey to the temptation to go along with them no matter what.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS INSTEAD OF PRAISE: SPECIFIC, DETAILED DESCRIPTIONS

When a child is seeking feedback on some ‘work’ (art, writing, drama, game, etc.):

~ I see this “b” is sitting right on the baseline, the ascender of this “h” is tall and slender, and the descender of this “g” matches the slant of the other letters.
~ I see that so many of the carrot slices match the model slice.
~ I see that you folded this napkin so that all the edges match up.
I notice you lined up all the small vehicles together over here, all the medium ones together over there, and all the large ones together just beyond.
~ I see you sorted your books into separate baskets by category: science, stories, art, ballet, etc. It’s organized like a library.
~ This story has so many interesting characters. You described their personalities so that I feel I know them. You described their looks so that I can see them in my mind’s eye.
~ This story has so many unexpected turns.
~ This corner of the painting is the most interesting to me. I like the way the colors flow.
~ I like the relationship between the lines.
~ I like the way that shade of red looks beside that particular color of blue.
~ I like your way with words. When I read this I feel like reading it over and over.
~ You got right down to work even though you have a lot on your mind.
~ It looks like you put a lot of work into this. I see many fine details of organization, such as . . .
~ That’s a clever solution to a design problem. I see you . . .
~ How long did it take to make something like that? What was the most daunting part?
~ It must have taken a long time to put those words together. The rhythm sounds satisfying to my ear.
~ How do you feel when you look at this?
~ How do you feel when you read these lines?
~ What do you think about the result after all the time you put in?
~ You must have put a lot of thought (or feeling, or effort) into that.
~ I like the way you...
~ You make it look so easy.
~ It must make you feel good that . . .
~ What part was the most fun, (or difficult or interesting)?
~ You must feel really good about this.
~ I can tell how hard you worked on that.
~ I can see you enjoy thinking about the way numbers work (or how things work).
~ I admire your effort!

When a child is in a struggle with someone (verbal or physical):

~ I can see you are interested in fairness.
~ I admire that you say what you think is right even if others disagree.
~ I admire that you do what you think is right even when others put pressure on you.
~ You really know how to listen to the suggestions of others when you take the lead.
~ You let your friend take the lead.
~ You really paid attention and noticed what he needed, and was trying to say.
~ That’s an interesting point. You made your point with respect so that others could listen.
~ You came up with a different idea and presented it in a way that considered the feelings of others.
~ You have your own way of thinking about it and you express it very clearly.
~ It was easy for Katy to listen to your observation because you offered it kindly.
~ You stopped yourself and walked away when you were angry.
~ You spoke up when others were being unfair to Jimmy.
~ You gave the truck back to Frankie even though you really wanted to keep it.
~ You worked that out. It wasn’t easy.
~ It’s fun to play on your team because you know how to give encouragement to one and all.
~ You passed the ball to her even though she often misses the basket.
~ You found something positive and truthful to say to her about her ideas.
~ You gave him time to answer even though you knew the answer immediately.
~ You found something to admire in her drawing even though you weren’t especially fond of it at first sight.
~ You told him what you really thought about his idea in a way that didn’t hurt his feelings.
~ You stopped to help Bernie even though you were in the middle of the game.
~ You didn’t share your fragile doll even though you were afraid of her anger. That’s what I call courageous.
~ You played with Molly even though Sandra told you not to. That’s what I call brave.
~ You let someone else give the answer. That’s what I call considerate.
~ Others can depend on you. You keep your word.

When a child is struggling with something (persisting or wanting to quit):

~ What were the obstacles you encountered as you worked on this?
~ How did you solve the problems you encountered?
~ You put a lot of thought (or feeling, or effort) into that.
~ I’m eager to see how this progresses.
~ You really think things through.
~ How did you figure that out?
~ That’s quite an improvement, you . . .
~ You really outdid yourself by . . .
~ That’s coming along nicely, it’s . . .
~You got right down to work even though you have a lot on your mind.
~ It looks like you put a lot of work into this. I see many fine details, such as . . .
~ That’s a clever solution to a design problem, you . . .
~ Now you’ve got the hang of it. It seems to be going along better for you in that . . .
~ You seem to be on the right track for mixing colors to get the one you want.
~ You’ve got it now, its...
~ You’ve been working through the difficulties for a long time.
~ You make it look so easy.
~ It must make you feel good that...
~ You know when to stop and take a rest before you get too annoyed.
~ You know how to go off to read a book when you begin to feel annoyed.
~ You really stick with it. That’s what I call persistent.
~ I see you know how to follow through.
~ You know how to stick with it.
~ What do you think about the result after all the time you put in?
~ This is challenging work you’re sticking with.
~ You stuck with it and got the results you wanted.
~ It must have taken a long time to figure that out.
~ It must have taken a long time to make something like that. What was the most daunting part?

General comments:

~ I like the way the gray pleated skirt looks with the raspberry velour vest and the knee boots.
~ So what do you think?
~ What is your favorite part?
~ I like the way you keep an interesting conversation going while we are working together.
~ I like having you around to snuggle with while I read.
~ It’s fun to be with you.
~ What part was the most fun, (or difficult or interesting)?
~ You must feel really good about this.
~ I can tell how hard you worked on that.
~ You make your point well. I understand how you feel, what you think, and why.
~ You explain your position well. I can see you’ve given it a lot of thought.
~ How did you think of that?
~ What an interesting idea.
~ How did you come up with that?
~ I can see you enjoy thinking about the way numbers work (or how things work).
~ You brushed your hair until it was smooth and shiny.
~ Thank you very much.
~ Much better.
~ Congratulations! You must feel great.
~ I’m enjoying being with you.
~ That’s an interesting way of looking at it.
~ Good for you. You must feel great that you were able to (or did) . . .
~ That’s a good point. It’s making me think twice.
~ Now I see your point.
~ I appreciate what you’ve done. It was a big help to me (or to X).
~ I think the others would like to have a look at this.
~ No one says it quite like you.
~ That’s coming along nicely. You’ve made a lot of progress.
~ I’m glad you’re my daughter / son.
~ I can tell you really care by the way you . . .
~ One of the many things I love about you is the way you (or that you) . . .
~ Very interesting.
~ I enjoy hearing how you think things through.
~ You’ve got it now.
~ Thanks for helping.
~ I’m glad you’re here to offer us advice.
~ Thanks for sharing your ideas with me. I wouldn’t have thought of that!
~ You really stick with it. That’s what I call persistent.
~ I like the words you use, especially X, Y, and Z.
~ Others can depend on you. You keep your word. You said you would X and you did.
~ I admire how you try from every angle.
~This is challenging work that you’re sticking with. I admire how you keep yourself going.
~ You stuck with it and got the results you wanted.
~ It must have taken a long time to figure that out.
~ It must have taken a long time to make something like that X. What was the most daunting part?

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Austin Montessori School is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization and does not discriminate on the basis of race, religion, color, national origin, sex or gender, disability, or age in providing educational services, activities, and programs. Austin Montessori School complies with Title VI of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, as amended; Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972; Title II of the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 ("ADA"), as amended, which incorporates and expands upon the requirements of Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973, as amended; the Age Discrimination Act of 1975, as amended; and any other legally-protected classification or status protected by applicable law.